Friday, June 24, 2011

Can I get a Mulligan for yesterday?

I realize I've not done any back story of myself, but I'll do a brief "here I am" summary.    My husband and I married later in life (met in late 30's married in early 40's) and our dear son, we'll just call him our Mouse for now, was born in January of this year.  He was a surprise and a blessing indeed!  While we had officially tried to get pregnant several years ago, it wasn't till we quit officially trying that God choose to bless us.  Until this time I was a very hardcore career girl in the corporate world.  My official title is Corporate Controller for a regional real estate development company and I spent many many hours on the job often feeling defined by my position in many ways.  Then, welcome to mommyhood.  Talk about jarring!!!

I'm also very lucky because the owner of the company is a family man.  He understands the importance and since I've been a long term, very loyal and trustworthy employee, granted me the opportunity to telecommute with flex hours 2 days a week giving me extra time to spend with my son.  I'm essentially back to my full workload at the office now.   Dropping Mouse off at daycare that first time (he spends his other 3 days a week with Miss Joy) was close to the hardest thing I've done emotionally in a very long time.  Remember, I'm the Controller, and that actually translates over into my off work hours as well.  I simply do not handle situations I cannot control well.  Period.  And I HATE surprises.   Perhaps someday I'll share why, but for now, I'll try to stay on topic.

Yesterday started off as usual at 4:30am.  Our morning routine is that Mr. Mouse feeds Baby Mouse while I get the house ready for the day, bags packed, lunches made, dishwasher unloaded, etc. then I sit down to my breast pump.  (DETOUR:  I've had to exclusively pump to get milk because Mouse could never latch properly to me...again, a story for another time).  The monitor sits on the counter opposite of me so I often see & hear the goings on in the nursery as Mouse eats and is put back to bed for a few hours so we can shower and start our day.  Much to my annoyance, Mr. Mouse often takes these times to watch shows on his IPad and generally pay attention to anything other than Mouse (my perception...not necessarily reality).    I look at the monitor from time to time to see Mouse blissfully sleeping and wonder what the heck Mr. Mouse is doing now instead of caring for Mouse.

Now, keep in mind I'm highly jealous of Mr. Mouse.  Don't get me wrong!! I know I'm lucky to have a Mr. who is so very invested in helping raise Mouse.  But that Mom in me is just miserable that I have to sit hooked up to a breast pump while Mr. gets to feed, cuddle and love on the Mouse.  And it truly drives me batty that he seems to choose that **expletive!** IPad over our son.  I mean how can you look over that sweet little head to watch a year old repeat of Top Gear while that baby is staring at you lovingly while having his bottle??  Making it worse, is that I know in 2 hours I'm going to have to leave that child and a piece of my heart in Daycare.   And Mr. Mouse hasn't even STARTED feeding that child.  Looking at the clock again, I just know he's going to really hurry to feed him and get him reswaddled and back to sleep.  Really hurry... and SNAP!  The fury just blows!

What you also don't know, is that recently it was diagnosed that I'm suffering from Post Partum Depression (PPD).    If you've never dealt with depression, likely you don't know that anger can be tied intimately with depression.  In my case, it most definitely is.   It's all wrapped up with feelings of inadequacy in being a good mom, good worker, good housekeeper, etc.  I feel like I'm only doing things half-assed nowadays.  It feels like I'm not doing one thing at 110%, as how I used to operate.  And all those feelings, sadness, failure, inadequacy, jealousy fed my anger yesterday morning till there was cartoon steam coming out of my ears!

I burst into the nursery and at my most evil "yelling" whisper promptly proceeded to fillet Mr. Mouse.  Oh no, I didn't simply rage about that  I really said a few choice and awful things about his perceived inadequacy of being a father.  He simply stood up, looked down at me and said in his most seething whisper, "I already fed him and changed him and since I had extra time thought I'd watch something on my IPad" and pushed past me out of the room.

Crushed.  Just crushed.  How could I have made a mistake like that.  And HOW could I have said those things to him??  I tried to apologize but he would have none of it and I don't blame him. Oh how I wanted that time back.  How I wanted a Mulligan so I could have possibly taken a needed step back and not let my emotions and my incorrect assumption lead me to say something to really hurt Mr. Mouse.

Fast forward to that evening.  I apologized....oh how I apologized!  I think the worst was having my dear Mr. Mouse tell me exactly how deeply my thoughtless words hurt him.  So, very very painful it was to know how I hurt him.  Yet, he forgave me.  He also listened very carefully to why I felt the way I did;  that while my actions and words were completely inappropriate, the basis did have validity.  We'll be okay.   We recommitted again to holding each other accountable while not hurting one another.  Sometimes to just give each other a Mulligan because we love one another, imperfections, downfalls and all.

One nice thing about being older newlyweds is that we know that married life isn't about one little moment.  It's a tapestry of moments, good and bad, that are uniquely woven together.   I couldn't imagine the tapestry of my life without the threads of Mr. Mouse and Mouse intertwined.  Keep in mind that intertwined threads, while adding beauty, also add support to one another.  A tapestry with thread just running one way will simply fall apart.

I got my mulligan on yesterday; it's called today.  I assure you, I will not take it for granted!  Finally, that "Till Death Do Us Part" thing?  Well, we meant it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

And so I take the plunge....

So after many months of blog following, giveaway entries, and general blog addiction I've decided to take the plunge myself into blogging.  Okay, so granted this is really best described as sticking my big toe in to test the waters rather than a full on plunge but one must start somewhere, yes?

At worst, this will give me a place where I can talk about my life, express my fears and downfalls, and generally just be.  I'll warn you now, I've always been a painfully forthright communicator.  This is not always a good thing!  Because all that really means is that often the edit button between my brain and mouth (or my fingers in this case) disappears. 

But here I plan to embrace my opinions and thoughts as my own.  They may not be "right," but they will always be my own and truths to me at that moment.